Taking a few minutes to write while my little one is a sleep on my chest...
The past weeks have been so exhausting, my house is a complete disaster, I finally got to shower but who knows how long it's been. (yes my little man cried in his crib until I was done). I've been wanting to give up and say screw it, throw the towel down, and be done! But I can't! Whose going to take my place in mothering my child, be a wife to my husband, and cleaning my house? Noone can replace me. I am a mother to my son, a wife to my husband, and a maid in my own home.
I have felt like I am the only tired exhausted mom out there who's infant clings to because he won't take a binky and just wants me. Some days are better than others yes, but most days I feel like I'm in the bottom pit and I'm not doing enough that I could and should be doing.
I have to supplement because I'm not making enough. But everyone sits here and says breast is best. Yet I sit here and think will am I not a good enough mother because I'm not making enough? I pump to stalk up for the holidays and I count how much I have in the freezer, and I think wow if only, I can make that in one setting! Oh wait I have...
When my milk first came in I was so proud of my self for what I have accomplished because I did 8 oz in each pump. But now I can barley feed my child in one feeding. I feel such a failure to my son because I can't give him enough for one feeding.
To top it off I failed my husband. I failed at being the good wife I should be, I guilt trip him in not being here for us more. But he is, he's working hard to provide for us. To put food on the table, a roof over our heads, and heat for the winter. And I don't say thank you enough or I love you enough.
Than last but not least I suck at being a maid I am a stay at home mom who is to exhausted and tired to clean after a long day of taking care of a newborn. So I let dishes pile up and laundry left in the wash for who knows how long. Than I feel even worse every time I walk through my house.
How in the world do my two sisters do it how does anyone do it? Work school everything!?
Today I had a chance to stop and think how grateful and blessed I am to be a mother, wife, and maid. I may not make enough milk to feed my child, or never tell my husband how much I appreciate him. I know deep down he knows that I do, or leave my house a mess because one day I will get to it.
Finding joy wrote in her blog that gave me some hope and light...
"You will get through."
"You will continue to move forward like I do in this motherhood race and mile after mile after milestone will be completed. In fact, I believe, that motherhood is about giving. And those who give so often give even when they don’t seem to have much left to give."
"A good mom is probably an exhausted mom. A good mom has moments where she worries. She has times where she cries in the car. She has times where she is scared and feels alone. She also has moments where the love she has for her kids overwhelms her and she is simply deeply crazily grateful to be a mom."
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Findingjoy has taught me that I am enough and I do enough even if it looks like it dont.
I shared her blog on facebook so mothers out there can read it.
A few last things that I have learned from being a new mom are...
1) ignore everyone's advice you will go crazy . Unless you ask for it, other than that ignore it.
2) Remember you are your child's mother and Noone can replace you even if some family members or other people may make you feel that way.
3) When your child's crying and you want to give up on the world. Look into their eyes when you are feeding them. The world and stress just disappear and everything will be okay.
4) Last but not least it's okay to cry. Sometimes it's good to cry when your holding your newborn while rocking him/her in the chair. I'll never forget the time that I did, my baby was asleep it was around two am and I just held him, cried and said a prayer to my heaven above. After that I had a good night's rest and next day I took on the day.
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Remember depression is real, tough, and sometimes you want to roll up in a ball and wish it'll all go away. Same with anxiety. Just also remember help is out there other moms are for you. It took me days to find hope and today I did. No I didn't wake up today and say hey I'm going to have a good day today. It just doesn't work that way. But it did when I looked into my son's eyes and saw no care in the world. Than read finding joy blog.
Today Life was good! Who knows what tomorrow might bring. Until than I am enough and I do enough!